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When one of your best employees starts going quiet, most managers do the same thing: they wait. They tell themselves it will pass. They're busy. They convince themselves it probably isn't that bad.

If you've ever watched a top performer check out and talked yourself out of saying something, you know exactly how that story ends. The conversation you're avoiding is almost never as hard as the story you've built up in your head about it. But the cost of waiting, in performance, in trust, in team dynamics, keeps growing.

In this episode, I share a situation I lived through as a manager: a strong, reliable team member who started going quiet over several weeks, and what happened when I finally sat down with her. What I learned changed the way I think about performance conversations entirely. She wasn't waiting for me to fix anything. She was waiting for me to see her.

I walk you through a four-step framework for entering this conversation with care and confidence. You'll learn how to name the change without triggering defensiveness, how to ask one question and then let silence do the work, how to hold space for the person while still holding the standard, and why a follow-up conversation matters as much as the first one.

This framework works whether you're the manager, a peer, or even navigating this dynamic with someone above you. If someone on your team has been off lately and you haven't said anything yet, this episode is your starting point.

Listen and catch the full episode here or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also watch it and replay it on my YouTube channel, JanelAndersonPhD.

LINKS RELATED TO THIS EPISODE:

Episode 264 - How Do I Have a Difficult Conversation With My Boss?

One of my best employees has just been off lately, quieter in meetings, slower to respond, and just not herself. I don't know if something's going on personally, or if she's burnt out, or really what's up with her. I don't want to pry, but I also can't ignore it. So, what should I do?

I heard this question recently from somebody, but it's a question that comes up repeatedly over time, and I've actually lived this myself back when I managed people in a corporate setting, and there is a particular kind of discomfort that comes with watching somebody that you count on regularly start to check out, especially when you don't know why, and here's what I've noticed: most managers wait way too long to say something, and it's not because they're afraid, but because they're busy, and because they talk themselves out of it, and they talk themselves into believing that it's not really happening, or they just, you know, hope that it will pass on its own. Well, spoiler alert, sometimes it does, but mostly it doesn't. The conversation you're avoiding, it's almost never as hard as the story that you've built up in your head about it. And again, for that employee who's experiencing something that's taking them off their A game, it's probably not just going to go away on its own, at least not without some significant impact, both to you as well as to the rest of the team.

So, let's dig into this question, unpack the question a little bit, and then, as always, I've got some very practical strategies for you. So, what's really happening when a top performer goes cold, goes quiet? Well, it could be burnout, it could be a personal situation. It could be that they've been passed over for something that's work-related, or it could be that they're thinking about leaving, or maybe they're just having a hard season in life.

You don't know yet, and so I want you to stop jumping to conclusions about what's really going on, because that's part of the problem, you're managing a situation you don't even have the information about. So, here's the reframe. The question isn't, "Should I say something or should I not say something? The question really here is, "What's going on in your own head?

What story are you telling yourself about the situation, and about why you haven't said anything yet. Now this is very relatable to me, because I had a team member many years ago who reported to me she was a very strong performer, reliable, someone that I absolutely counted on to be a team player and to carry, well, not even just her own weight, but I would say more than her weight on the team, and over time she started going quiet. She was a little slower on her deliverables, and I would also say her deliverables weren't quite up to the level of quality that I had come to expect from her. She was less engaged in team conversations, and you know, less likely to pipe in for, oh, I'll help with that, or volunteer here or there on a special project, or when somebody needed a little extra help, and that was off character from her, and I did notice it, but I told myself, well, let's give her some time, let's be patient, and I mean, as is the case for many of us, I was really busy at that time, and between being busy enough to not really have extra capacity and extra time myself to really give it the thought that it deserved, or to schedule a conversation with her, I was kind of talking myself out of it being a big deal.

I was convincing myself it probably really wasn't that bad, and again the busyness on my calendar outweighed the importance of bringing this up again, just because I didn't have the capacity. Now I let it go, quite frankly, longer than I should have, as do most of us. So when I finally sat down with her, literally weeks later, weeks later, I don't think it was months. I'm gonna say I would still call it in the frame of weeks, like probably six weeks, eight weeks, maybe 12 weeks, but I don't think what quite went 12 weeks, because then I'd be calling it months, but it was probably a good solid six, eight weeks when I finally sat down with her before I could even get the conversation started, she just jumped right in, and she said, "Hey, I know my performance has been off lately, I know my focus has been off, I know I have not been, you know, and I don't..

I don't think she said, 'Bringing my A game, that's my language, but she said something very, very similar to that, and then what she said next completely surprised me. She said, I've been in the midst of a divorce, and it is nearly finalized, and there are still some things I'm working through, but I'll be back, and I'm coming back, and I'm like going to be focused again, and she said, I'm very close. I've worked through most of it, and now this was a person who's very, very private about her personal lives. Now, I know some of you are like, I wish my more of my staff were like that.

I was talking to somebody lately who's who's got a team member who's just letting it all hang out, everything they're doing on the weekends, and all the shenanigans they're pulling, and it's beyond funny stories. It's like downright TMI, not professional. Okay, this person is the this person who was on my staff is the 180 degree opposite of that. She kept all of her personal life incredibly personal.

It was, she was always very buttoned up. Now, I mean, she might share a good restaurant that they went to, or, you know, some personal travel, something like that, but she was not one to share the highs and lows of her personal relationships. Now, again, in this conversation, she told me that she'd just gotten divorced, she knew her performance had slipped, and she appreciated me checking in, and that she was going to have her head back in the game soon, and she did. Now it isn't going to be quite that easy for all of you, so I do have some practical advice.

Now, what I learned in that situation is she wasn't waiting for me to fix anything, she was waiting for me to see her, because she knew that her performance or lack thereof was visible to others, and you know, I think she might have come to me with it eventually, but I was the manager, it was my place to bring up a performance issue on her part. Okay, so the cost of waiting isn't just about performance, though. It's about the signal that you send when you don't say anything, because your silence can speak far louder than any words ever could. Silence reads as one of two things: either you're not noticing it, or you did notice and you didn't care, and neither one of those is the message that you want to be sending to somebody on your team that you value.

Okay, now a quick pause before we get into the how. If you are managing someone right now, and this is hitting close to home, I want you to send this episode to a fellow manager who needs to hear it. Sometimes the most useful thing that you can do for someone is to hand them the conversation that they haven't had yet, along with the step by step. Here's how to take this on.

Okay, now back into the takeaways again. Please, please do share. Now, let's get to the takeaways. Let's get to the answer to the question, and let me give you a framework here, because the goal of this conversation is not to fix the employee's problem, because you don't even know what it is yet.

You don't know if they're burned out. You don't know if they're caring for an aging parent. You don't know if they were like my employee was going through a really tough time in their primary relationship and getting divorced, or you know, having some troubles. Maybe don't, maybe that don't lead to divorce, but you're not diagnosing, you're not problem solving.

It doesn't really matter what the situation is that they're dealing with. What matters, I mean, yes, it does. It does in terms of who you are to them and the kind of support that you can be to them. So I don't want to discount what is happening in your employee's life.

Now the same goes for you. Don't have to be a manager to take this on. You could be a team member and notice this in another team member. Heck, you could even be noticing it in your manager when somebody's not bringing their A game.

It impacts the whole team, so you could have this conversation peer to peer, or even upward in the organization. You don't have to be the manager having this downward, okay? So I just wanted to put that in play, so that if you are listening to this as an individual contributor, that there is a way for you to implement these same strategies at work, okay? So, but again, going back to this, it's not that you are discussing the person's performance or trying to fix what's what's impacting their performance, instead, what you're doing is you're showing, like, hey, I'm noticing a change in the pattern here, and I want to be of support to you as you navigate whatever it is that's going on, and you don't necessarily even have to ask what's going on, now some employees will volunteer what's going on, and others won't.

And in either case, it's not really your place as the manager or as the coworker to dig in and meddle with whatever it is that's going on. What it is your place to do is to acknowledge that you're noticing it, and you're simply naming what you've observed, and you're making space for them to share about it, if they want to, and they don't have to share what the, you know, the underlying issue is. They do need to share a bit about their performance and what they plan to do about it, especially if you are their manager, but that comes a little bit later. Okay, so I want to give you four techniques for entering into this conversation, for holding this conversation well, and again, if you have been around my work for some length of time, you're going to notice that there are some parallels here to the same methodology I use for holding difficult conversations.

Now, this isn't even a difficult conversation yet, this is just something you've noticed about somebody's performance. Okay, and again, if you're watching on YouTube, you can see my book up above my head, head on, how to approach difficult conversations directly. So, some of this comes right out of the book, but the first thing you're going to do is to name the change, and so if you're familiar with the book, you know I talk about a fact, and so you're going to lay out a fact. So, the fact is, I've been noticing some, you know, I've been noticing a different performance or a different pattern in your behavior in meetings.

Let's just say, so let's say if they used to be a frequent contributor in meetings and now they're not, you're going to name that specific pattern, that specific set of facts that you're seeing. You're not going to start with something like, I've noticed your performance has been off lately. Okay, we don't want to call out the performance aspect of it yet. We want to call out the specific behaviors that we have seen or noticed that are contributing factors, but we don't want to just go straight to performance, because that's likely to make the person feel defensive, and then they're just going to shut down or get angry or get emotional.

Okay, so we don't want to start with something like your performance has been off or you seem disengaged. Instead, you're going to start with that observable data, something that you have specifically observed without attaching any meaning to it, meaning being your performance is suffering, or meaning being you're disengaged. So, again, it could be I've noticed that you've been quieter than usual in our team meetings over the past few weeks, and I just wanted to check in, or it could be I noticed that when there were some special projects or ways to contribute more, you often in the past have stepped up and taken those on, and recently you've held back, so again, you're noticing and observing, and you're sharing those observations. You're not making any evaluation, you're not making any judgment, and this is really going to keep the door open for the other person to tell you what's going on, if they so choose to, and it is less likely to make them defensive.

Now, again, if you're familiar with my book, Head On: How to Approach Difficult Conversations, I talk about sharing this fact set that then leads to the organizational impact, but we're not even.. I mean, you could get to the organizational impact. The organizational impact is, you know, it could be something about it's changing the team dynamics or the, you know, energy in the space just isn't quite what it used to be. Okay, so we're getting back to the, the, the impact on the team, the impact on the work, the impact on, you know, your meeting culture, whatever it is.

So it's okay to land on that impact, but again, you still have not said anything about the person's performance suffering, or anything that sounds judgmental at all. Okay, now you have laid out your fact pattern again. It could be there the way they interact in meetings, the way they're perhaps slower to respond on email, or on Teams, or Zoom, or whatever, or Slack, or whatever platforms you're using in your day to day communication with them. Then, after you've named what you're, what you've noticed, now we're going on to step two.

You're going to ask one open-ended question, and then, and then let silence do the rest of the work. So, it might be something as simple as, is everything okay, or is there anything else going on that I should know about. You're gonna stop talking, don't feel the silence. Now, one of the things I often tell people in workshops when I am doing a training session with them is, at this point in the conversation, there is a natural silence that will happen, and it is so much our tendency to want to fill that silence, but you have to remember that it is not silent in the other person's head.

They are busy thinking about what you just said, and they're deciding how much information they're going to share with you. Now, if you were the kind of person who likes to jump in on that silence, because the silence makes you uncomfortable, what I want you to do is sit on your hands, that's right. Put your hands underneath your thighs. It doesn't matter if you're face to face with them, sitting across a desk or a table, or if you're on Teams or Zoom, or whatever your video platform of choice is.

Just sit on your hands, because when you sit on your hands, it's less likely that you're going to open your mouth and say something you shouldn't, or that, and it's not really something that you shouldn't, but you're taking the turn from them. It is still their turn. You asked a question, give them as much time as they need to answer your question. When you sit on your hands, you're less likely to gesture into the space and take the next turn.

So that's why sitting on your hands is a really nice trick, there. Okay, so don't offer any other explanations about what you've noticed or theories about what might be happening. Their response, including silence and your silence as well, is information. It's valuable information.

Now, eventually they're going to start talking, and they're going to do an any number of things, like there's a bunch of different ways the conversation could go from here. They could come right out and tell you what's going on, as my employee did. They could acknowledge that they know their performance is suffering, but not tell you what's going on, and that's okay too. They, they could get defensive, but hopefully, if you've started this conversation by just simply sharing some observable data, and then asking them what's going on in a way that shows that you care, and that you've got some compassion and empathy around this, it is likely that they will not get defensive.

Okay, so they are going to eventually respond to your question, and here is where we want to make sure you're separating, and this is step three: separate the person from the performance, so you can hold two things true at the same time: one is that you care about this person, and two is that you need them to show up and get the work done. Okay, these two things are not in conflict. It's not an either or. It is definitely a both and.

Okay, it is I care about you as a human being, as a person on my team, as a creature in this world, and B, I also need you to show up and do the job that you're, you've been hired to do. Okay, so again, these are not in conflict, and if they do share something personal before you get to the work side, you absolutely want to acknowledge what they shared that is personal. Okay, so if they share, you know, I'm having a tough time caring for an aging parent, or I just got divorced, as my employee did, or I'm having a hard time balancing some childcare issues, I don't know, whatever it is, but you want to be with that for a beat or two. You want to acknowledge that, because that is their real human lived experience of what is happening in their life right now, and quite likely the reason why their performance is suffering.

But we don't want to get to the performance piece just yet. You want to just really hold them in the light and acknowledge that you see and that you feel and that you understand to the best of your ability. Now, if you have never been through the situation that they currently find themselves in, don't say you understand, but you can thank them for their vulnerability or thank them for bringing that to your attention, and then you know, and then you just really want to be with that for a moment before you start jumping into their performance issue. Now, if there are any other resources that you can offer, this would be the place to do it, so if somebody is having a hard time in their personal life or in some other aspect of their life, and your organization has, let's say, an employee assistance program, or some mental health resources, or whatever, especially if they're free resources, just, you know, this would be a perfectly appropriate time in that conversation to bring those up and to remind them of this, of the rich array of resources that are available inside of your organization for them to utilize, and that those are there for exactly these kinds of situations.

And then, if you have some other examples of maybe how you've used those resources yourself, or something that helps to de-stigmatize it. Some employees are not going to find that there to be any stigma about it, but some, some might, so just making it okay that these resources are here, they don't cost you anything, and we want you to be using them, okay? So once you've acknowledged the personal situation and explored whether or not there are any resources that can be of assistance, and really you've shown empathetic listening. Now it's time to have that conversation about performance, but you might not even have that conversation about performance right there in that same context.

You might just acknowledge that what they shared, and you might ask if they've, you know, if they know that that's been impacting their performance, and they might, you know, say, "Yeah, I didn't know it was as bad that you've noticed, or whatever, they could share any of it, and then you might want to say, especially depending on how vulnerable they feel that they're what kind of a vulnerability position they're in. If they're feeling like really vulnerable and it seems raw, then I would not go into that performance conversation right in that moment. I would then say I would again thank them for having the courage and the vulnerability to share with you right now what's happening, and then say I'd like to come back at this, you know, tomorrow, or in a few days, or early next week, or whatever, and, and talk about how it's been impacting your performance, and see what kind of a plan we can put together, so that we're not, you know, jeopardizing projects, or your career, or, you know, whatever. I mean, again, don't make it sound bigger than it really is, but I would address it at its appropriate level, but you don't need to take it on and fix it right here in this conversation, especially if they have just been emotional or vulnerable or whatever.

It's just what we've done now is we've unearthed that there is a problem that is impacting their performance. Now we're going to come back at it in a separate conversation and put a plan together, because this person might not have even realized that this was going to come up in this conversation. They might not be ready to be strategizing and thinking about how to take it forward. Okay, so totally fine to have that in a separate conversation, whether you have it in the same conversation or a separate conversation.

We're now going to go on to step four, and that is follow up, and so we want to follow up on purpose and with purpose, because one conversation about this is not enough. Okay, even if you did get to the performance piece, let's say they didn't feel particularly vulnerable, maybe it was they were caring for an aging parent and they told you the specifics of the situation, and you suggested EAP, and you suggested, you know, whatever, and maybe you did get into some troubleshooting of how they could handle the situation differently, or what they could do, so that it's not impacting their work performance. Okay, so let's say you got all that ironed out, or maybe you had a separate conversation to iron all that out. Whatever they share or don't share, I still want you to schedule that follow-up meeting, so you could have the your performance, you know what the what's going on conversation, which is what I'll call that first conversation, and then maybe as part of that same conversation, or a second conversation, you have the what we're going to do about it conversation, where you're doing some troubleshooting and problem solving.

Okay, in either case, those conversations, whether they happen in the same meeting or two separate meetings, are still not enough. We still need to schedule a follow-up, because this does two things: it signals that your concern is not targeted just towards performance, it is more holistic about them as a person, and that you want to follow up to make sure a, they are okay, and b, that the plan that you've created to address whatever the performance issue is, is working okay. So, this is going to be something that sounds like, you know, let's check in next week to see if what we've come up with as a solution seems to be working, and and I also just want to check in with you and find out how you are, so you're checking on them personally, and then you're checking to make sure that the plan you've put together is working, okay? So it's, it's a both and okay, and then this is going to be like maybe a 15 minute meeting, like it's probably not going to be a super long meeting.

It's going to acknowledge that you're there tracking with them, and that they're handling a tough situation, and that they have a performance plan. And again, it's not a performance plan that's going in their official record or anything like that, but that you have come up with a plan together with them to address it. So again, it's going to sound like, hey, let's check in again next week, make sure that what we've talked about is working, and because I just really want to support you and see you through this, okay? So quick summary of the four steps you're going to take when you've got the employee whose performance is suffering when they used to be a great employee and they used to be somebody you could always count on.

Again, this could be the coworker whose performance is suffering, coworker who's no longer bringing their A game. Okay, so step one, you want to name the change. You're not making any judgment about their performance, you're just you're sharing observable data, and then asking the question, which is step two, is everything okay? Is there anything going on I should know about?

Okay, then in step three you're really separating out the person from the performance, so they've got a personal situation that's impacting how they show up. Okay, so two things are true at the same time, you care for them as an individual, and their work isn't getting done, okay, separate issues, and then four, you're going to have that follow-up conversation after you've come up with solutions, you're going to follow up on purpose to make sure that whatever you came up with is working, or maybe it needs to be fine-tuned, and you're checking in on them as a human being, all right now. Put it to work. This is the segment where I give you the very actionable takeaways to put in play what we've been talking about in this episode.

I want you to think of somebody on your team right now who has seemed a little bit off lately, and with everything that's going on in the world and the world of work, I'm sure you've got at least one person, whether that's a peer, your boss, somebody who reports to you if you manage the work of others, somebody that you have noticed being a little bit off, but you haven't addressed it, you haven't said anything yet. And this week I want you to just schedule 15 minutes with them. It's not a performance conversation, especially if they don't report to you, but even if it's not a performance conversation, it's just a check-in lead with what you've observed, ask one question about how they're doing, and then let them talk. You don't have to have the answers going in, you just have to show up, name what you've observed, and then ask a question to show that you care.

The best managers are not the ones who never miss a performance problem. The best managers are the ones who make their people feel seen, especially when things are hard. And if this episode was useful to you, the best thing that you can do for me is to share it with one person. This is also going to be a great thing for them to share it with one person, a manager, a colleague, someone who's navigating something like this right now themselves with a staff member or a peer, so working conversations is a word of mouth show.

I don't pay for advertising. The way people find the show is when somebody like you shares it with someone like you who needs it. Okay, they can find it wherever they listen to podcasts. This is episode 275 so they can find the show notes and links to the recording at Janel anderson.com forward slash 275 for episode 275 Thank you so much for being here, and thank you for spreading the word.

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