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That workplace issue that's been bothering you keeps taking up mental real estate during your commute, in the shower, and when you're trying to fall asleep? You know the feeling - there's this thing at work that's bothering you, but you keep telling yourself it's not really worth making a big deal of. So you let it slide, and then it happens again and again.

Now you're not dealing with the original problem. You're carrying around the mental weight of it, replaying scenarios in your head during quiet moments when your mind should be free and relaxed. In this episode, I walk you through a clear framework for deciding when it's time to stop ruminating and start talking.

I share the three warning signs that you've crossed from minor annoyance to must-address-now, four critical questions to evaluate any workplace situation, and how to recognize when you're hoping others will magically read your mind. I also explain why your friends and family want you to have the conversation more than you realize.

Listen and catch the full episode here or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also watch it and replay it on my YouTube channel, JanelAndersonPhD.

Have you ever found yourself thinking about a workplace issue when you're in the shower or driving and realize that you've been avoiding a conversation that you need to have? You know the feeling there's this thing at work that's bothering you? Maybe it's how your colleague keeps interrupting you in meetings, or your manager's unclear expectations that always leave you guessing, or that project decision that you know is going to cause problems down the road. At first, it seems small, not really worth making a big deal of, so you let it slide, and then it happens again and again, and now you're just not dealing with the problem, the original problem.

You're now carrying around the mental weight of it, and you're replaying scenarios in your head during your commute. You're venting to your partner over dinner. You're losing sleep, thinking about what you should have said or what you should be doing about it, instead of actually doing anything about it. But here's the thing, your brain is trying to tell you something when an issue starts occupying your mental real estate, like that, when it's taking up space in those quiet moments when your mind should be free and relaxed.

Well, that's not just random rumination. That's a signal. The question is, how do you know when that signal means that you actually need to speak up and talk to someone, because there's a difference between something that genuinely needs to be addressed and something that you can just let go of. Now today, I want to give you a clear framework for making that call, making that distinction between I'm going to let it go or I'm going to take it on, because the cost of waiting too long is real, but so is the cost of jumping into every conversation too quickly.

So I'm going to help you identify the warning signs that you've when you've crossed the line and gone from minor annoyance to this really needs to be addressed right now. So let's get started now. This topic came up because of a question that I was asked after I'd given a talk at a tech conference that I was recently presenting at. So one of the questions, and the talk was all about how to have those and it wasn't necessarily just difficult conversations, but just high stakes conversations in tech companies.

And so that was what my talk was about. And somebody asked a question near the end of the session, and I this, I mean, I'm basically answering the question in a longer format here than I had time to for her in that session. But her question was, when do I have the conversation? When do I know that it's time to have the conversation?

And she went on to say that, you know, sometimes it's these, these little things, these little annoyances, that shouldn't be such a big deal. But if she doesn't address them at work, they then become the proverbial, you know, the mountain, the molehill becomes the mountain. And so she said, When? When do I know that it's time to have this conversation?

Because she said, I tend to wait too long, and then a little thing has become a big thing. And so I said I basically gave her step one of the framework that I'm going to share with you right now. So step one is, am I thinking about this during my downtime? These are the warning signals.

So if you're thinking about it while you're driving, while you're taking a shower, while you're falling you know what, when you should be falling asleep, but it's preventing you from falling asleep that those are good indicators that it's time to address this. Another early warning signal for you is, are you complaining to other people about it? Now, those could be other people at work. It could be people in your personal life, friends, family members and so on.

If, if you hear yourself saying things like, I've got this annoying colleague who that is probably a good indicator that this needs to be addressed now. Another one is if you just find yourself ruminating or replaying the scenarios over and over in your head, and you can't unhook from it, and this is a little bit different than thinking about it during your downtime. This would be more of like the I wake up at three o'clock in the morning and my head is stuck thinking about this. Okay, so step one is to check the warning signs if you're thinking about this during your downtime, if you're complaining to others about it, or if you find yourself ruminating about it, then it is definitely time to consider whether you need to have the conversation.

Okay? So that's step one. You've caught those early warning signals. Now, in step two, I've got a handful of critical questions for you.

We'll drop these questions in the show notes. This is episode 265 so you'll find the show notes at Janel anderson.com, forward, slash 265, for episode 265, and again, we'll put these in the show notes, but these critical questions are going to help you determine what to do. So question number one, will this situation resolve itself naturally, like, can you just not do anything and it will go away? Okay?

So maybe there'll be a timeline change. Maybe the project is coming to a close and you won't be working with this person any longer, because this is a project based team assignment that you're working on. Maybe, you know, there could be any number of things that wouldn't naturally make it go away on its own. Now, most situations don't just clear up on their own, but maybe there is something about this that will lend itself to resolving itself, right?

So you have to be honest with yourself about that question, though, will this situation resolve itself naturally? Okay? Then question number two is me avoiding the conversation, making the problem worse. So am I making it worse by not addressing it, so that could be making it worse for you.

It could be making it worse for others as well. So are you finding yourself getting more and more resentful? Is the quality of your work suffering? Do you find your relationship, whether it's with that person or sometimes it's your relationships with other people, the people that you're complaining to them about are your relationships deteriorating?

So again, that question is my avoidance of this conversation, making the problem worse. Question number three is, what's the cost of waiting versus the cost of speaking up and having the conversation? Okay, so when we think about the cost this, the cost could be your stress, it could be the impact on the team. Because if you and a colleague are having, you know, beef with each other, you know, who else knows everybody on the team?

Okay, so it's you might be thinking that you're keeping it all buttoned up, but it's usually leaking out in one way or another. Maybe they don't know there's an overt conflict, or that you really don't like that person, but they can. People can sense that something's off. Okay, so there could be a team impact, there could be some missed opportunities.

But what is the actual cost of waiting? What's it costing you by not having the conversation? And again, a lot of times it's going to be the cost is going to be on your mental and emotional state, because your frustration, your irritation, your stress levels, all of those things are going to be negatively impacted the longer you wait. And then question 4am, I hoping that they're just going to get it and figure it out without me having to say anything.

Now, a lot of times we think that like, oh, they'll just figure out that this isn't working, or that this is holding up the whole team, or that this is counterproductive, but they wouldn't be doing it if they thought it was going to hold up the whole team, or that if they thought it was counterproductive. So whatever it is that they're doing, they don't think that there's anything wrong with it. They don't think there's don't think there's anything wrong with it. Now you cannot expect them to be mind readers.

So if you have an issue with something, you can't just like, cross your fingers and hope that they're going to get it. They are not an expert in mind reading. And if they were an expert in mind reading, they would not be going to look for what am I doing that's counterproductive, that other people are irritated by? Okay, so that set of questions goes in the second step.

So again, those questions, will this resolve itself naturally? Maybe, is me avoiding the conversation, making the problem worse. Probably, what's the cost of waiting versus the cost of speaking up. And am I hoping that they're just going to catch on and get it without me having to say anything?

Okay, so the answers to the questions in step two are going to lead you directly into what to do. So step broadly speaking, then step three is, this is the tipping point. This is the moment of discernment, the moment of evaluation. So if you answered no to question number one, and again, question number one was, Is this going to resolve itself by itself?

If you said no, it's not going to because the project's not ending anytime soon, that person's not leaving the organization, or, you know, whatever, no, it's not going away anytime soon. And you answered yes to any of questions two, three or four. So again, question two was, if is me avoiding this, making it worse. Question three is, what's the cost of waiting versus the cost of speaking up?

And Question four is, am I hoping that they're just going to catch on without me actually having to say anything? So if you answered yes or had a substantial, you know, response to questions, two, three or four, then it is definitely time for you to have that conversation. If you're not sure where to start, I'll link this up in the show notes as well, but I've got a number of episodes on holding difficult conversations. In fact, the one just last week, in Episode 264 was about when you need to have a difficult conversation upwards with your boss.

So you could check out the framework that I use for difficult conversations in that episode. And again, we'll link up some of the other episodes on difficult conversations if you need to go back to the basics to get that. But if you have been wondering, like the person in my audience the other day, should I be having this conversation? I mean, first of all, if you're even wondering about it, that's a pretty good indicator.

But again, if you find yourself thinking about it during your downtime, if you find yourself thinking about it, well, you should be doing something else, like trying to fall asleep, or, you know, and again, another big tip off is, if you're complaining to other people about it, man, they will thank you for having the difficult conversation with a person because they don't want to hear about it anymore. Let me just speak frankly on behalf of your friends and your family members, who are the subject, or, you know, who are the listeners of your complaining about the co worker or your boss or whoever it is they want you to have the conversation. They absolutely do. And so do I just remember I've got your back on this.

You now know, by using this framework whether you need to have the conversation or not, and if the answer is yes, again, check out the show notes. That's Janel anderson.com. Forward slash 265, for episode 265, where we'll link up some of the other episodes that I have on difficult conversations. I'll also link up the place for you to download the first couple of chapters of my book called head on, how to approach difficult conversations directly.

That will also get you started in having those difficult conversations. And if you've been wondering, when is it the right time to have the difficult conversation, or should I have it? I mean, the answer to this is probably yes. And when's the right time, there's never a really good time to have a difficult conversation.

And you know, but you don't want to have a difficult conversation with somebody when you can see that they're visibly upset about something else. So if it is a co worker, and there's something going on at work, and you can tell like, oh, maybe they just maybe their best client in their whole portfolio just canceled on them, or something like that, you know, that's probably not a good time to have the difficult conversation, if time is not of the essence. So, but there never is really the perfect time to have the conversation. There are some times that are particularly bad, but there's never the perfectly right time to have the conversation, so just get in there and have it again.

Your friends and family will thank you if you've been talking to them and ruminating and complaining with them about it, you just need to have the conversation. All right, my friends, good luck having the conversation. I again, know that I've got your back. If you follow the framework you've got the the steps are laid out, and it should just be a neutral, not a difficult conversation.

And good luck. I'll catch you next week, same place, same time. Take care. You.