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Most people avoid having a difficult conversation with their boss because the stakes feel impossibly high. Your manager controls your paycheck, your projects, and frankly, a big chunk of your daily happiness at work. So when they're micromanaging you, making decisions that won't work, or completely misunderstanding a situation, that voice in your head runs through all the ways confronting your boss could go wrong.

But here's what I've learned after years of research: your boss is human. They don't wake up thinking about how to make your life difficult. They have blind spots, just like you do, and often they genuinely don't know when something they're doing isn't working.

In this episode, I walk you through my five-step framework for approaching your manager about problems without triggering their defenses or damaging the relationship. I break down exactly how to prepare for difficult conversation, what to say to your boss to keep them open to feedback, and the follow-up strategy that ensures the changes actually stick. Whether your boss gets defensive, takes criticism personally, or you're simply scared to talk to your boss about issues, this methodology gives you a professional way to address problems while preserving the working relationship.

I also share the specific language to use when your manager is micromanaging (without using that loaded word), how to assume positive intent even when you're frustrated, and why the conversation you have after the difficult conversation might be the most important part of the entire process.

Listen and catch the full episode here or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also watch it and replay it on my JanelAndersonPhD YouTube channel.

Have you ever had to tell your boss that they were wrong about something and your stomach just dropped when you started to think about having that conversation? Maybe they made a decision that you know just won't work, or they're micromanaging you in a way that's actually hurting your performance, or maybe they've just really misunderstood a situation completely, and you're the one who has to set the record straight for them. Now here's why this feels so terrifying when we have to confront our boss. We are challenging the person who controls our paycheck, our projects, and frankly, a big chunk of our daily happiness at work.

And this power dynamic is real. Our bosses can improve or deny time off. They write your performance review. They decide if you get that promotion that you've been working towards.

So when something sensitive needs to be addressed, that little voice in your head starts running through all of the possible ways in which this could go really wrong. But here's what I've learned after years of research and working with leaders at every level, your boss is human. They don't wake up thinking, how can I make my best employee's life difficult? Today, they have blind spots, just like you and I do, and often they genuinely don't know when something that they're doing isn't working.

So the question isn't whether or not you should have these conversations, it's how to have them in a way that actually preserves the relationship while also solving the problem. So today, I want to walk you through exactly how to approach your manager when they've messed up, using a framework that helps keep you professional, keeps them open to the feedback, and gets you both to a better place. So let's get started. Now in the opening, I use the example of micromanaging.

So let's go with that. Let's just say your boss is micromanaging you. Now, if that's not the particular situation that you're experiencing right now, just fill in the blank with whatever your situation is, because this framework is going to work regardless of what the situation is. So let's say your boss is micromanaging you.

You're about to address it with them. Well, you're going to use the five part model that I teach in my book head on how to have difficult conversations directly, and I teach in the workshops that I do on difficult conversations. Now, there are a couple of little adaptations that you're going to do when you're managing up so when you're having that conversation upward. There are just a couple little tweaks.

The methodology stays the same, but let me just walk you through it. So the first thing you do, according to my method, is to get yourself into an emotionally regulated place. So you might be feeling really nervous or apprehensive about having that conversation with your boss. This would be a great time to do some breath work, some like deep breathing exercises.

We want to get the oxygen up to the brain where you need it for your executive function. If you're in fight, flight or freeze, you've got the oxygen going to your limbs, to your arms and legs, to run fast, to escape the predator, that sort of thing. But we want the oxygen to go to the brain, so you're going to do some deep breath, take some deep breaths, and just get back in your body. Okay?

And then, and obviously, you've got this time scheduled with your boss to have this conversation, so we're just, you know, we'll presume that that's already happening. Now you walk into your boss's office again, you have done the good work of emotional regulation for yourself so that you come in ready to have that conversation, ready and steady, and then you're going to start the conversation with my fact and model. So you start with a fact or some commonly held belief or opinion about a particular situation that the other person is inclined to agree with. So let's say, in a micromanaging situation, there's a really high stakes project that you're working on, maybe your boss's bonus is tied to it or something.

I mean, sometimes we don't even know what's at stake for our for our boss, but let's just say this is a high stakes project and and we'll say that he's micromanaging you. So you're in that, in that meeting, and you say to your boss, something like this isn't really, you know, this Acme project that we're working on is really important, and your boss is going to agree with you. And right there, we're in a good spot. We've started in a good spot, because when the other person is agreeing with you, then they are, by nature, not defensive.

So when we're in agreement, there's no perceived threat. And so if there's no threat or perceived threat, there's no reason to be defensive. So you've started with some baseline agreement, and you're not buttering them up or, you know, blowing smoke. This is true.

This is a high stakes project. Then you're going to layer in the specific behavior that your boss is doing and how it's counterproductive for you, what the actual impact of that behavior is. Now we're not going to use the word micromanagement in this conversation, because that's a pejorative term, and anybody would feel threatened if they were told that they were micromanaging. So your boss does not necessarily need to hear that word from you, and we want to talk about it in using language that is accurate and specific, but not pejorative and not something that would get somebody defensive.

So we might start with because this project is so high stakes, we've had a lot of check in meetings about it. Or maybe you say, instead of we, you might say you've checked in with me very frequently about it, and your boss is probably inclined to agree with that. Whether you say that we've had meetings, or you've checked in with me a lot about it, and your boss, again, is likely to agree with that. And then you want to get to what's the impact of all those check ins.

So you might say something along the lines of when we meet so often on this work, it takes away from the time that I need to be spending doing this work, or deep in thought about this work, or whatever it is now they might be also calling, emailing, slacking, sending, teams messages, whatever your modality is, frequently interrupting you. And so you might also speak of those interruptions, and you might say when you hit me up on Slack. And again, I probably wouldn't use the word interruption, but I might say something more, like when you hit me up on Slack frequently throughout the day, it takes my focus from that project, or from that work back over to slack so that I can answer your questions about it, and that is disrupting my workflow, something like that. But really, what we're getting at is the impact, the impact of all of these check ins, the impact of the micromanagement, so to speak, is that it is precluding you from getting your best work done.

Now it's probably also doing some other things, like annoying you, but we don't need to mention that in the conversation, we want to just focus on what's the organizational impact of the extra time spent in all of these check ins which are appearing to you as micromanagement. Now, micromanagement is one of those things where one person thinks it's micromanagement and another person thinks that it's just, you know, getting the work done. So again, we don't want to use the word micromanagement, because it is far more likely to have somebody get defensive if we're using the word micromanagement. So now we've teed up the conversation, we've gotten to that organizational impact, and now it's time to stop talking.

It's the other person's turn, and this is where things can get really uncomfortable, because for the person who started the conversation when it's now the other person's turn to talk, they may need a beat or two or 10 to really think about what you've just shared with them and construct their response. So this is where I want you to just like continue to take some deep breaths and stay present and resist the urge to talk over the silence If you've teed up the conversation and shared a few facts and the impact, then it is the other person's turn to talk, and again, it can get uncomfortable for you, but just know that it's silent to you, but it doesn't sound silent to the other person because they're busy thinking about what you just shared with them. Now, again, I know it gets a little bit more uncomfortable when it is your boss that you're having this conversation with, because approaching your manager about issues like this is just something that makes people nervous. So a difficult conversation with your boss is like right up there with one of the most uncomfortable, awkward things that you're going to do, and, you know, to tell your boss that they're wrong about something.

Or what sometimes people tell me is, oh, my boss won't listen to any feedback. Well, oftentimes they won't listen to feedback, because how the feedback started, you know, when they were first listening to you, is it made them defensive, and then they're going to shut down, and that's just by nature. So if you feel like your boss won't listen to your feedback, or you don't know how to give upward feedback, then this I want, I want you to try this method and see if it doesn't work differently. Now, again, you might be scared to talk to your boss about this, but the goal of this episode is to give you some concrete tools, a methodology, a framework, if you will, so that you can step into that conversation without having your manager take criticism personally, because it's not about them, it's about you and your work.

So you're bringing it back to the organizational impact the team, impact, the impact on your productivity and your output. It's not about them, it's about you. Now, I mean, it's about the work. Really, we want to keep it focused on the work, but the more you can keep it focused on the work, the less likely it is that your boss is going to take this personally, because you haven't made any personal claims about them.

You've just stated some facts about their behavior, and stated the impact of those facts on your work performance. And again, it's neutral this point, there should be nothing for them to be upset about or to take personally, because we've just laid out some facts now that should help you during that moment of silence, because again, after you've teed up the conversation, it can get really uncomfortable, so you're just going to remember that your boss is busy thinking. And you know, obviously, if they're not like talking, they're thinking, and that would indicate that they're not defensive, because when people get defensive, they start talking right away, unless they completely shut down. But it's unlikely that your boss would shut you know would shut down.

Individual results may vary, but Okay, so you wait it out. You take some deep breaths while you wait, you remind yourself that your boss probably isn't defensive if they're spending this much time thinking about what you've just said, and then they're going to share their perspective and their perspective, it might be a surprise to them. I mean, it's quite likely that this is a surprise to them, because really, nobody gets up and comes into the office and says, like, I'm just going to see how I can make my employees lives miserable today. No, you just have to assume positive intent about their behavior.

And in fact, when you're teeing up the conversation this way by just sort of laying out the facts and then getting to the impact of that, that is assuming positive intent, and it is assuming that they don't know about the negative repercussions of their behavior on your work performance. And you know that all of those interruptions and extra check ins are taking away from your work time, or, I mean, maybe they're just getting on your nerves, and maybe they're not taking that much actual work time, in which case, then you might need to reframe it a little bit so that it's not so heavily on the work time, but maybe it is more about the interruptions or the you know. And again, I might not say interruptions. I might say I have to switch my focus from the work I was doing to answer your questions and then switch my focus back.

I mean, obviously that's an interruption and but if we don't use the word interruption, it won't feel quite as potentially threatening to your boss, so you're just again, sort of stating the facts. What you need to do when those pings or dings or whatever they are that come in on, you know, email or slack or teams or whatever. Okay, now your boss is going to respond as your boss responds. Your job is to listen.

So this is where you really need to stay present and absolutely be listening throughout that conversation for what are their concerns? What is their reaction to this? And and then you want to get into a problem solving part of the conversation. You know, are there some other ways that we could work together on this that don't interrupt my phone, you know, and at this point later in the conversation, you could probably use the word interrupt.

So some things that don't interrupt my focus as much, or what is a better cadence for me to be in with you, in terms of me updating you on the project, so that you don't have to come to me to ask. So again, when you can frame it that way, you're taking responsibility for it, and you're putting you in the driver's seat for those updates. So then it shouldn't necessarily be the case if, I mean, if that's the solution that you come to that hey, well, let's change the cadence. I will interrupt.

I will interrupt you, but I will brief you first thing in the morning on what I aim to get accomplished on the project today. And then at the end of the day, I will brief you again on how far I got. Okay, just maybe that's the solution that you come up with, but together you come up with that solution. Now here is the clincher.

This is what some people what many people fail to do next. Okay, so let's say you've agreed to that now your job is to go back to your desk and send your boss a thank you email for having this conversation and what the outcome was. Now you might not actually thank them. You probably, I mean, you could.

You might just say, Hey, I appreciate your time this morning, as we talked about a new cadence for me to brief you on the Acme project, as we discussed, I will let you know first thing in the morning what I aim to accomplish on the project that day, and then I will brief you at the end of the workday about how far I got. And we'll keep that cadence going. And let's try it for two weeks and see how that works, and then set a meeting to check in on this in two weeks time. What that does is, again, it puts you in the driver's seat on it, and it shows you being proactive about it.

It also but I mean, the whole enterprise here of sending this email is it gets it in writing. It gets it in writing so that if your boss starts doing it again, you might then say, you know, I was pretty sure we came to a different agreement on how we were going to handle this per my email. You know, on March 17, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So again, getting in and writing can really be helpful for your boss to stay accountable to it, and for you to not have to continually have the conversation, but please do book that conversation, that follow up conversation for like two weeks out, and then in that conversation, if your boss indeed has changed their behavior, then you want to acknowledge that because, and you've probably heard me say, if you've been a longtime listener, you've heard me Say before what gets acknowledged gets repeated.

And this works up the org chart as well as across and down the org chart. So if your boss changed their behavior and it's working, you want to make sure to acknowledge that, because here's what's going to happen in their brain, they're going to get a little dopamine hit, because everybody likes that positive acknowledgement. And again, what gets acknowledged gets repeated. So it is likely that they will then continue to work with you on this new cadence that you've laid out.

So again, you could do some fine tuning or tweaking. Maybe that's not enough. Maybe it turns out that briefing your boss twice a day is maybe it's too much, and then you're just going to go to a once a day briefing or something like that. But in that follow up meeting is when you can do some tweaking.

Maybe it turns out that twice a day isn't enough and it needs to be a third time a day or something like that. But that follow up meeting is where you do that tweaking, where you do the acknowledgement, and because it's on the calendar, it holds people accountable. So if you have that, you know, and I would say this in the for the very first meeting that we had, I'd say, like, Okay, let's try this for two weeks. If it's okay with you, I'm going to put a meeting on our calendars to discuss this.

It's just a short meeting, 1015, minutes in two weeks time to see if this new cadence is working. Just so that that's like out there in objective reality before you just go sending your boss in a meeting notice about, like, following up on their behavior. Okay, so I would again include that as part of the initial discussion that you're going to do that because you want to just check in and see if it's worth, you know, have some accountability around it, check in and see if it's working. And I don't know if it's two weeks, maybe it's one week.

Maybe it's the individual circumstances will dictate how how long you wait till having that meeting. Okay, so just as a quick recap, when you're having that difficult conversation with your boss, when you need to give that upward feedback, when you feel like you have, in this particular case, a micromanaging Boss, we've given you a five step framework. Let me go through the five steps for you, because I didn't necessarily enumerate them one by one as we went through or call them out by number but number one, regulate your own emotions. Number two, open with a set of facts, and that leads to the organizational impact of what's going wrong.

Number three, listen, it's your time to shut your mouth and listen to your boss. Number four is, we're brainstorming ideas. We're coming up with new with a new plan for how to do this. And then step number five is that accountability afterwards.

So you're having that follow up meeting where what gets acknowledged, gets repeated, or if something needs to be fine tuned or tweaked, then you get a chance to do it. Then, all right, my friends, I hope this episode gave you the right tools for how to prepare for that difficult discussion and exactly what to say to your boss, because, again, I know that, especially if you have a manager who takes criticism personally or a boss who gets defensive, it can be really, really challenging to step into a conversation like this. So again, assume positive intent and best of luck to you in holding the difficult conversation. If you need more tips and strategies, we've got more episodes that are about difficult conversations.

You can search the archive of the podcast for that, or we'll link a couple of them up in the show notes for today's episode. And this is episode 264 264 and you can find the show notes at Janel anderson.com forward slash 264, if you are watching on YouTube, make sure you subscribe to the channel so that you don't miss an episode. And also, you know when you hit that like button or leave a comment, it helps the YouTube algorithm know that this is useful content for other people. So go ahead and make sure you hit the like button, drop me a comment there.

And if you've got somebody that would benefit from this information. Make sure you share it with them too, and that goes for all the podcast platforms as well. When you like and share episodes on the podcast platforms, it lets other people know that this is helpful information, and it then it gets into the hands of people who can use it the most. All right, my friends be well, and I will catch you again next week.

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