Have you ever been in a difficult situation at work or at home where you raise one issue with somebody and then they raise another, different issue back at you, and suddenly every grievance under the sun gets thrown on the table? I call that a kitchen sink conversation because everything but the kitchen sink becomes fodder for the argument. And heck, if this is a domestic squabble, there's a good chance the kitchen sink gets included for real. Now, when you start layering on all these other issues instead of solving the problem at hand, both parties get lost in the clutter.

Today, I'm going to show you how to apply the principle of minimalist design to your toughest workplace conversations. By learning to strip away the clutter, focus on one issue at a time, and use empathy, you'll create conversations that are cleaner, clearer, and far more productive. And you'll get to the heart of the matter. Now, let me give you a couple of quick examples of how this might go down at work. Let's say there's a missed deadline, and you come to me and you say, you, hey, Janel, you missed that deadline for a client report, and instead of hearing you out and trying to solve the problem, I come back at you with, yeah, well, you're always late to meetings, so don't talk to me about deadlines.

Now, I know some of you are laughing because you're like, how did you know my coworker was going to say that to me? Or how did you know I was going to say that back to my coworker? Okay, it's common. It happens all the time. We, from a very defensive posture, just come back at the other person because we feel attacked, so we want to attack back. It's a natural inclination. But I want you to pause before you act on that natural inclination. Now, let me give you another example, because maybe that one didn't. Maybe the missed deadlines didn't resonate with you. Maybe this time you come to me and you say, hey, Janel, when you send me these really short, slack messages, it feels curt and kind of rude.

And I say back to you, well, when you email, it's like a novel. I don't have time to read all that. Again, I'm lobbing a different but maybe somewhat related issue back at you, and it doesn't help. It really doesn't help. But again, it is our natural inclination to fire back instead of take a pause and reflect what will serve this conversation best. Okay? Now at home, it happens as well. Now, I want to give you an example not of me personally, but of an example that I've been mediating recently.

I've been working with my two teenagers who share a bathroom about leveling their grievances at each other about a whole range of messiness and unpleasantness that incurs in their shared bathroom. Okay? So one might say to the other, you're hogging the bathroom, your showers are way too long. And the other one's going to fire back with, well, you never replace the toilet paper when you finish a roll, and then it's going to escalate from there. And pretty soon the bathroom sink is in fact part of the argument, okay? And this stuff is regularly happening at my house and I'm coaching my teenagers on these exact same things because these are life skills. Now, as I've explained to them, when you come back leveling a different and separate issue, you're just adding fuel to the fire and you're not actually solving anything. You might have a similar related issue that you want solved, but it is best to just handle one issue at a time. So let's talk about what to do instead. Again, I know it is our natural inclination because we feel that certain sense of threat, whether it is, you know, most often it's going to be a psychological threat if somebody is telling you that you're, you know, late to the meeting or missed a deadline.

Again, that comes across as threatening because we perhaps were, but it wasn't us showing our best side. So we want to defend against any psychological threat that might be in that space. And the way we do it typically is to come back and at the other person with something that's just really not helpful. So again, I want to give you what to do instead. So this is designed to accomplish two things. First of all, to resolve the issue at hand, the thing that the person came to you with, or the thing that you're coming to that other person with, and to do it without escalating. So that is our second objective here. We're going to solve the issue at hand and we're going to do it without escalating.

Okay? So we are going to use the UX thinking principle of minimalist design, which states that interfaces, in this case conversations, should not contain irrelevant information. So every extra unit of information competes with the relevant information in the interaction. So if the issue is about a missed deadline, we're not going to throw in the kitchen sink, or we're not going to throw in that you're late to meetings. If the issue is a missed deadline, we're going to keep everything focused on the missed deadline, and we're not going to bring in irrelevant information. And that is especially true when you're on the receiving end of the conversation. We'll also talk about what to do when you're on the leading end of the conversation and the person wants to throw the kitchen sink at you. So we'll talk about that near the end. So hang in there for that.

Okay, so step one is to stick to one issue at a time. So minimalist design is going to remove any extra noise, any extra pieces of information that are not absolutely germane to what we're up to. Same thing applies in conversations. We want to use that minimalist design to keep it focused on just the one issue. So if somebody comes to you with the fact that you missed a deadline, then stay with the missed deadline. Don't drag in unrelated. Even if they're adjacent issues, don't bring them in because this is about you missing a deadline and that's it. Then step two is you're going to use empathy as your filter.

Now, we've established that you're not going to bring in irrelevant information. But now we need empathy to help decide what matters to the other person right now. Why did they bring this to our attention? And their subjective reality is what matters most right now. The actual facts don't matter as much. And if you've ever been in a situation where somebody's leveling a criticism at you and you come back to them with the actual facts, you know what I mean? The facts don't matter to them. And what we want to do in this particular situation is we want to resolve the issue at hand, even if their perspective of the facts is a little bit off. I mean, it's quite often the case that two people's perspective of the facts don't necessarily have a direct and absolute match with one another anyway. So coming back at them with the actual facts is not going to help.

What matters right now is what matters to the other person. So their subjective reality is what matters most right now. Again, there is that objective truth. But that is not what is showing up or occurring to the other person right now. We want to deal with what's occurring to the other person. They're not interested in the objective truth. They're only interested in the events that transpired that impacted them.

In this case, a missed deadline. So that is their subjective reality. They look bad in the eyes of the senior leadership team because the report was late. That's all that matters right now. In this situation, and that is their subjective reality. Okay, so that is step two, using empathy as their filter, thinking about what is real and true for them right now. So, like, for example, understanding how your colleague feels about that missed deadline before moving on is super important. All right, and then let's go on to step three.

Agreeing where you can own and agreeing where you can own it. So now let's go on to step three. Agreeing with the other person on the things that you can and owning what you can do better. Again, agreeing with the other person where you can and owning what you can do better. So minimalism means not cluttering the conversation with defensiveness. If the other person is right and you missed the deadline, admit it. So you might say something like, you're right, I did miss that deadline. Just as simple as that.

When you agree with the other person, it takes the heat out of the exchange and it creates a space for problem solving instead of escalation and defensiveness. So if you come to me and you say, you missed that deadline, and I say, you're right, I did miss that deadline. Now then can I say, I'll do better next time? I'll try better next time? Absolutely. I mean, if I can, I'm not going to say. I'm not going to make promises I can't keep, but if I can do better next time, I will say, I'll do better next time. And I might even apologize. I mean, this sounds like probably an apology worthy event.

Now, let me run you through three different examples with this. Examples, kind of we've been talking about so far, so we'll be a little bit more specific. Okay, so let's say you come to me with a missed deadline. And again, I am going to acknowledge. And first of all, I'm just going to think to myself, oh, dang, he's right. I did miss that deadline. I wonder what that feels like for him right now. He had to turn in that report to senior leadership, and because I missed my deadline, I bet he missed his deadline. And I hadn't really thought about the domino effect of all of that when I missed my deadline. Hmm. Okay, so I'm just taking a moment to run this through cognition. I'm thinking about this for a second. It's going to occur as a pause in the conversation, a little bit of silence. And that's totally okay because that means that whatever comes out of my mouth is actually informed by my brain. And we want that to be the case. Okay, so I'm going to take this little pause And I'm going to think about, like, what actually happened.

How did it occur to the other person again? So this is where I'm considering their subjective reality now. I'm going to own it. And I, you know, I've already applied some empathy here, so now I'm going to own it. And I'm going to say, you're right. I did meet miss that deadline. And I bet that had some negative downstream consequences for you that I hadn't really fully thought through or fully appreciated. Or maybe I couldn't help it because some things happened on my end.

Whatever it is, I'm going to own what I can own. I'm going to apologize where it makes sense to apologize, and I'm going to commit to what I could do differently or do better. So maybe my commitment is that the next time I see things piling up and I know I might potentially miss a deadline, I will tip you off further in advance that it might be late. And that way, if you have to circumvent me from the process or do the work for me or step in on my behalf or something like that, then at least you're not left out to dry. So I'm going to commit to what I can commit to. Maybe I can't do better because of all the other deadlines that are coming at me, but commit to what you can do. All right, now let's take that second example where you come to me saying I send really short, slack messages and it feels curt and kind of rude. Okay, so that's the issue.

You've just shared it with me. Now, again, I'm not going to come back at you with, you know, when you email, you write a novel. I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm going to stick to the issue at hand, which is I tend to write really short and direct slack messages. So now I'm going to engage with empathy and I'm going to think about, okay, what does it sound like to the other person when I write these short, slack messages? Hmm? Okay. They've already told me that I seem curt and rude, and they probably don't think I'm a completely rude person, otherwise they wouldn't be coming to me with this. And so again, now I'm taking this moment to really think about it and be thoughtful and use some empathy to think about what's this subjective reality of the person who's coming to me with this? They know me to not be rude, but I'm coming across as rude. Hmm.

Now, I have to think about whether or not I agree with them. And I'm probably going to say, yeah, I do write short, terse, direct, slack messages. I can see how they could come across as rude. That's not my intent. Now, in this case, if I don't necessarily know what to do better, because I'm always very direct in my communication, I might ask the other person, what would make a difference? How could I phrase my messages or what could I say or do that would not be so terse or rude? Because I'm not like a good morning, how are you? Kind of person in every slack message? But what would soften it or what would make it easier? So now we can engage in some dialogue around it. I'm not presuming that I have the answer, but they probably have some ideas about what would soften the message. Okay, so we could have some conversation about it.

Now, let's go on to that bathroom tidiness issue. All right. Well, one of my children says to the other one, you're hogging the bathroom. Your showers are way too long. Again, what they need to do is take a moment to pause and go, hmm, I wonder how the length of time I spend in the shower, given that we share a bathroom, impacts the other person. Well, our school starts at the same time. We ride to school together. I guess if I'm showering, that means they can't be showering. So, okay, my actions are impacting them.

So instead of firing back with, well, you never replace the toilet paper when you finish a roll. Instead it's going to be like, oh, yeah, I do take long showers. Would it help if I got up a little bit earlier so that I was even say, five minutes earlier? I got out of the shower five minutes earlier. Would that give you enough time to do what you need to do just so it doesn't escalate from there? They can get into a conversation about what can work. Now, as I have told them, if the other one doesn't really put the toilet paper back, a fresh roll of toilet paper back on the roll. Now, that may be a valid issue, but it's not germane to the issue at hand. One person came to the other saying, your showers are too long and it's having an impact on me, we need to deal with that first.

Then in a totally separate conversation, if you want to take up the toilet roll, absolutely, take up the toilet roll conversation. But it's a different issue. It does not get stacked on top of other issues related to whatever's happening. In terms of, you know, the showers being too long. So we're engaging with empathy to really understand the other person's subjective reality. Agree where you can, yeah, I do take long showers. And maybe he goes like, I do take long showers. I love taking long showers.

And then, you know, not to be glib about it, but if that is the case, then just like that's the case now, what can we do about it? Now we want to get into problem, problem solving mode. And again, as I stress with my teens, do not make promises you can't keep. So if you know you're never going to take shorter showers, don't say you're going to just to appease the other person and get the conversation over with. Instead, find a different way. Say, well, do you want to get up early and use the bathroom first? And that way I can take a longer shower and it doesn't impact you. Or I can get up even a little bit earlier than I already am to take my shower so that you have more time in the bathroom again. Or maybe there's a different bathroom in the house that can be used. Whatever.

We can troubleshoot this as long as we're having a conversation where things aren't escalating and getting out of control. Now, I do need to spend just a couple of minutes talking about when you're on the receiving end. So let's say that your colleague comes to me, it comes to you and says to you the thing about the missed deadline. I come to you and I say, hey, you missed that deadline last week. And it really had a negative impact on me. I looked bad in the eyes of senior leadership. And then you layer on, yeah, well, you're never on time to meeting, so you're one to talk about punctuality. Okay, if I'm on the receiving end of that, it is again, really, really tempting for me to take your bait and up you one and come up with one more issue to throw on the table.

And before you know it, we're having a kitchen sink conversation. So when you find yourself on the receiving end of somebody tossing another issue onto the, onto the table, what I want you to do is just like take a deep breath and then say, hey, if my tardiness at meetings is causing an issue, let's take that up as a separate conversation. But right now my intention is for us to talk about the missed deadline. I want to just like, solve for the missed deadline. And then if you want, we can go back and talk about the, you know, my tardiness to meetings, because we can probably solve for that too. But for right now, let's just focus on this one issue. And it's going to take some self restraint to do that because the minute another person piles on a second, a third, a fourth issue, and it starts to become that kitchen sink type conversation, it's really hard to have that self restraint because again, our natural inclination is to want to get in there and fight for what's ours. So when you're on the receiving end, here is, here are your steps.

Pause, take a deep breath if you need to, and then redirect the conversation back to the issue that you wanted to discuss, acknowledging that they have a separate issue and that can be dealt with in a separate conversation or after you have some resolution to the issue at hand. Hey, I may be late to meetings, but right now I want to talk to you about that, that specific missed deadline and the impact it had. Once we've solved that or fully figured that out, then if you want to go talk about punctuality in meetings, happy to. But right now, let's just start here. Okay, so you're just going to take a pause, take a breath if you have to, redirect the conversation back to the issue at hand, also acknowledging whatever they brought up, but setting it aside for now.

All right, my friends, next time you find yourself in a tough conversation, I want you to follow these three steps. First, resist the urge to toss in the kitchen sink. Just keep it minimalist and address one, one issue at a time. Second, listen with empathy, understanding that their subjective reality is really what's under discussion here. And third, agree with them when it's warranted and commit to what you can do differently or do better. That third part takes the accusation out of the conversation from the other person, and it takes your own defensiveness down so that you can work from a problem solving space instead of a defensive space. And your defensiveness won't be picked up on by the other person. When you practice minimalist design in your conversation, you're going to find that not only are they easier to navigate, they're also far more effective. Okay, I don't necessarily wish you any difficult conversations in your work and life this week, but if and when they do occur, I want you to remember these three steps and, and you are much more likely to solve a problem for somebody and deescalate a tense situation.

Now I talk about techniques like this in my book. You can see it right up here. Head on how to approach difficult conversations directly and you can hop over to my website, janelanderson.com/headon to download the first few chapters for free, and we'll link that up in the show notes on that page. There are also links if you do want to purchase a copy. It's available wherever books are sold, but I have a link out to a couple of booksellers from my website, and if you want a sizable discount on a bulk order for your team or the accompanying workshop that goes along with the book, reach out to me directly and you can find my contact information on my website @janelanderson.com. All right my friends, have an awesome week and I will catch you next time.